Realizations The Autobiography
of Julian Lee / COPYRIGHT
2009 JULIAN LEE
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I Get Marrried
It was really through the Baha'i Faith that I married. The Baha'is had a strong marriage ideal. It was as if marrying and having children made you a better Baha'i. This was an ethos in the group. Meanwhile I was involved a group all on the same page about a set of beliefs, and marriages develop more easily among people who are in agreement about important beliefs. I actually married in a spirit and attitude of "service" to the Baha'i Faith, which is, perhaps, not the wisest approach to marriage.
And I married young (too young), and had a large family for the time. Becoming married and especially having children finally made me grow up and become a man. And there is nothing that humanizes you more, matures you more, or makes you deeper -- than having children. I married a religious woman, when I was part of the Baha'i Faith and so was she. She was sincere and had many virtues both personally and religiously, but we were incompatible.
One thing I did not want was a divorce. I already knew how destructive that is from my family of origin. She initiated a divorce after 13 years and that was very painful for me. I begged her to turn back from her course, but she had turned to stone.
My chief fault was the tendency to criticize too much, too harshly. Her chief fault was disinterest in my need for a moderately organized and neat environment, and a passion nature that led her to have several affairs with other men at the end as I firmed up my chastity path. But more critical was her inability to go along with my newly awakening interest in real spirituality and religious understanding, and my interest in acquiring moral continence which alone makes that fruitful. In fact, she told me that her primary reason for divorcing me was my desire to attain celibacy. Had she come along, she could have entered into the same knowledge that was given to me. But that was not her destiny. The story called "The Sage in the Rock" in the Yoga-Vasistha tells all about this problem that exists, quite fundamentally, between men and women and how the wise woman will respond to it.
My critical nature, with sometimes too much angry tone, made it basically legitimate for her to divorce me though I was capable of improving and over time and I attained a lot more moderation and restraint in my personal relationships as I aged. But for the reason of my occasional anger and criticism I believe I was a bit more at fault. At times reading on anger problems I can see that some of my "I'm finally fed up now and gonna let you have it" rages would have been experienced by her as similar to those attributed to "borderline personality." Nothing brings out your chinks and faults better than marriage and family. Still, her divorce was radical, extreme, unwised and based on unforgivingness. It caused me immense sorrow primarily because of its affect on my children and my ability to father them.
My view on marriage is "One strike and you're out." I don't believe in re-marrying and creating more confusion. I never sought a replacement.
One of her greatest gifts to me was showing me the wonder and lovability of children, modeling fondness and affection for them. Another gift was leading me to my interest in astrology, and a 3rd was the children we created together. We were both very sincere, well-meaning, idealistic, and sacrificing young couple. When I look back on our years and see us objectively I am able to say, even with all our confusion and stupidity, that back then what we were was this: Two good people, trying their best to be good and do good.